Self-Destruction

I do not know where it started. I assume I could blame it on others, but that would not be fair. Despite all the tangible or my other achievements they mean nothing. I am only where I am because of God. In all truth, regardless of my many achievements, I could not have achieved them without God. This conclusion really helps me realize that without him I am literally nothing. I have no power. I have nothing. The Fall semester is ending and although I succeeded in my assignments, I lack in speaking in class.

       I can’t figure out why it is so difficult for me to express myself openly. I wonder if it started with the big move, or maybe even before then. It is even sometimes becoming an issue for me to talk with regular people I know. Although I am an introvert I do like to interact and be around other people. To some people I seem confident, but honestly, I struggle hard with confidence. Presently, I am reminded that “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” However, I think my problem is that I expect God to do everything for me. I have to open my mouth and pray for his strength and courage.  I’ve developed this fear of being laughed at or talked about, a social anxiety. I may be the one with the personality disorder. I never knew fear could not only stop me spiritually, but also naturally.

               Fear is a tormenting crutch. I do believe I can speak in class with confidence and I do believe I have the capability of reaching higher heights, but I’m holding myself back. It is quite disturbing knowing that you are in a place of lack, drought, and unproductivity, but you do not do anything to improve. I am not sure, but this may be a God case too, where he has to deliver me from social anxiety and caring what others think of me. I do not know, but I do know God is able. If I can only move pass revelation to manifestation, things in my life would not be as chaotic.

              God will reveal something to me and I have the “ah ha” moment, but it ends there. I may follow through with it for a little while, but the consistency and determination begins to fade, and I go back to what is familiar or regular. Hence, creating a circle of confusion (vicious cycle) and dealing with the same issues. Have you ever felt stuck in your life and knew you were stuck, but did not move regardless of the countless tools around to help you succeed? That is where I am. A place of complacency. No desperation. No urgency. It is scary, but I believe God is able to deliver me.

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