Game On

I went to the Panthers game on Christmas Eve. Not only was it my first NFL game, but my first Panthers game. It was amazing. Nothing can be finer, than to be in Carolina on Christmas Eve. I had a ball. I read that they strive for a family atmosphere and that is exactly what I received. I felt so much a part of the Panther family. It was beautiful. I’m sure there may have been some not so family activity going on in the stadium, but I had a blast. Now, for my ladies, you all know what it is. I don’t know what it is, but it is something about a man in uniform that is extremely attractive, especially a football uniform. I am talking scrumpdiliumptious! However, the truth is everyone in uniform is not always easy on the eyes. I did not get a good look at all of the players, but a good portion of them were very easy on the eyes. Most of the women’s eyes were fixed on Cam Newton. I saw a Mrs. Newton shirt and signs with “Cam be mine for Christmas”.  Although looks are important they are not sufficient because you can have a person who looks really fine and be ugly in other ways. Most of us women desire someone handsome, charming, and of good character (at least that is what I would like to think). As any girl likes to gets pretty, so do I, even for a game. For this game I found myself getting all anxious about what I wanted to wear and how I was going to look, and now it’s over. I feel like it was a total waste getting all dressed up and prissy to impress guys. Really? Why do I want guys to pay so much attention to me? I know this might sound strange, but I have never had a real boyfriend and I think that is why I am so secretly desperate. I don’t want to be a desperate woman, but sometimes I seek  for validation in things that I believe and don’t believe about myself. However, sometimes I don’t feel so good about myself, so I want someone to affirm a belief in myself that I don’t always feel so sure about.

I had one boyfriend in high school, but he was a real jerk that thought I was supposed to give him my body for him to use and be on his merry way, but that is not who I am. I believe I deserve to be loved and treated like a queen.  Yes, I have those feelings and urges, but there are so many underlining complications that I simply cannot deal with. I believe a real man will wait for me. I believe he will value and respect not only my body, but my mind and soul enough not to disrespect me for his selfish use, but he will also first and foremost honor God. I find myself being interested in particularly men of status and power. I’m getting dressed up and hoping inwardly that I will be noticed by some guy. I don’t even know these guys and they don’t know me.  I think I feel like if a man of such status chose me, then I would be on top. I would be a top female because a man of popularity and money would have chosen me, but I don’t want a man because he has money, popularity, or status. I want to be with someone that I love and that loves me genuinely. If a man has to complete me, then I will never be complete. So, then what happens when he crumbles or is not financially, physically, emotionally, or mentally stable. It means I crumble. I need to be complete with or without him and not be a woman that leaves when times are rough. I feel like I have much to offer a man one day in being a good wife and mother, but honestly, I am not ready. I may look like a woman and have grown, but I am not a wife or a mother. I have yet to develop the characteristics of a fully responsible adult and despite my desires it is not time. I’m torn in two. I want and need to serve God, but there are not so godly feelings warring in me. I need God to intervene and deliver me from these lustful desires despite what I want. This is a serious issue. Game on.

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