I love how God allows some stuff to happen that we think we would like or desire, but then it happens. Afterwards, we think to ourselves “What on earth was I thinking? Was I on drugs?” The very thing we hoped and longed so dearly for becomes a learning lesson. All you can do is laugh and reevaluate yourself.
I am a single woman and have been that way for some time now. While growing up, my parents discouraged me from casual dating, or any dating for that fact. There was no need for dating. Dating was only for the purposes of getting married and they would have fainted at the sound of wedding bells over a college education. I fought hard to have my way, but I never got my way as I wanted. Although I was never the pretty girl to be asked out or even glanced at, so there was not much of a fight. Now, I understand my parents were trying to protect me and keep me from making bad choices. It bothered me more that no one ever asked me out regardless of my parents rules, which left me with tormenting thoughts of something is wrong with me. I am still healing from this mental hurdle today (the not so pretty moments of my life).
Nonetheless, I secretly wish in my heart for a “holla” or two every now and then for the sake of maybe saying I do not look so bad after all. Sad, right? Prideful? Pray for me. Today, I got just what I wanted…almost. My mother and I were in a mall finishing our shopping and happened to see a video game arcade for grown men to go and play Xbox 360s and PS3s. I jokingly told my mother that I should have given a day pass at the arcade to my brother as a Christmas gift. Meanwhile, my mother went to the window to read up on their prices and services. As she did that, I saw a man peaking behind his video game, nearly breaking his neck to gaze at me as a hungry lion prepares to attack his meat. I felt threatened and wanted to run off like the graceful gazelle I am. However, by the time my mother finished it was too late. The hungry lion was on his trail ready to attack. He begin telling us that we should not come there because it was a waste of money and for Army veterans with no life, which does not include him because he just got out of the Army and is now doing great things with his life (I hope you sense my sarcasm). Then he begins to attack my multicolored polka dotted galoshes and heart socks. I proceeded to return the favor by talking about his raccoon hat. My mother and I are walking and he is steadily moving with us, as we are ready to go. Unfortunately, the conversation was not over for this person, and as if the conversation could not get worse with him asking if the woman walking next to me is my mom, he puts his arm around my mother and says, “I can pay for your mom to get in the arcade, but I can’t pay for you.” At this point, I am shocked and wishing my dad was near. I walk next to a car that has Virginia license plates and he criticizes Virginia and says that it is a bad place to live. Unknowingly, if he is trying to snag me I am from Virginia and happily visit it often. Finally, we reach our car and my mother is getting in when he blurts out, “Girl, where yo husband at?” *press pause* Is this what I have been dreaming of? Is this the “holla” that I have been wanting every now and then? Is this how you come at a woman? *press play* I hesitate because I am astonished that this foolishness is happening to me the day after Christmas. Then, I respond with an “I’m good.” He says, “Yea you got a husband.” Naturally, I do not have husband, but spiritually yes. Before, I could respond he took him and his wounded ego back to the virtual world.
Loneliness and low self esteem is real, and if not careful, you can succumb to being entangled with the wrong person all for the sake of having someone. God forbid, if I become desperate. I deal with loneliness, and the holidays are not helpful when you see others snuggling with their honey bunny’s or all the endless Zales’, Kay’s, and of course “He went to Jared” commercials.It is hard being young, saved, and single, but in enduring hardness I see hope and the joy in drawing nearer to Christ by finding fulfillment in his divine purpose for your life. I am still on that journey to find what he wants me to do. Such instances cause me to pray for the Lord to keep me, so I will not fall prey to slick willies like the one that approached me. I am not an uptight person, but I do have standards and there is a certain way I desire and expect for a man to approach me. I cannot fully explain it, but I know what I like and what happened to me is not what I look for. I like kindness, gentleness, humor, chivalry, humility, and confidence. He was rude, rash, and disrespectful. I understand boy’s picks on girls when they like them in the third grade, but I am a woman and I expect a man to come to me with his head on his shoulders and not on his knees.
I am no longer a little child, but not casually dating has been drilled into me that now it is a personal choice I have chosen for my life. Despite my desire for marriage with a big family, I have career goals and the establishment of my single life that I want to have in place before committing myself to any love relationship.
It is hilarious because God did give me my heart’s desire, but I hated it. I got just what I wanted. A “holla” and the man hollered out whether or not I had a husband. Therefore, now I see the importance of desiring what God wants for my life instead of my own fleshly desires. He knows what is best for me and if my Boaz exists, then I know God will send him to me a ready woman.